


Backbone

by Matril



Category: Lizzie Bennet Diaries
Genre: F/M, Inner Struggles, Lots of thought-y silent monologues, Of course you do, Wouldn't you like to get a look inside Bing's head?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-04
Updated: 2013-10-07
Packaged: 2017-12-28 10:02:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/990716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Matril/pseuds/Matril
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The making of New Bing, and how he and New Jane find each other again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Smiling

Bing was tired, and finding it harder and harder to stay cheerful. Which was a pretty serious thing for him.

All the fun of his birthday party was dampened by the fact that he'd hardly had a single minute with Jane. He slumped down on the couch and surveyed the remains of the day's festivities. Fallen streamers, abandoned pieces of cake, glasses half-full of flat champagne. What kind of birthday was it if he couldn't even spend it with his girlfriend? Not that he was entirely sure he could use that term for her. They'd never quite discussed it, but he didn't want to push the issue. People always said he tended to rush into relationships.

And by _people_ , he really meant Darcy and Caroline. Here they came, as if on cue, wearing matching frowns as they entered the room. He used to wonder why they'd never gotten together, alike as they were, but then he realized it was because they were _too_ alike. They had nothing to offer each other that they didn't already have. Instead, they busied themselves with Bing's love life. And much as he usually appreciated their concern and advice, he wasn't in the mood tonight.

"Hey, guys," he said, getting up. "I'm really beat. You sure know how to throw a party, Caroline. I think I'll give Jane a call and get straight to bed."

"Sit down, Bing," Darcy said quietly. "You need to hear this."

Wow, he looked serious. So did Caroline. This was getting kind of weird. "Can it wait till the morning? I can barely keep my eyes open."

"I'm afraid not."

One thing Bing had learned through lots of experience – it was better not to protest when Darcy had that look on his face. With a resigned sigh, he sank back down to the couch. Darcy and Caroline pulled up chairs and planted themselves in front of him like they were staging an intervention. He squirmed a little, recalling the last time this had happened. Darcy discovered one of Bing's friends – supposed friends – had been planning to stage an identify theft and make off with a good chunk of Bing's bank accounts. _You're just too trusting_ , Darcy had said, more sad than angry. Bing knew he was right, but he just couldn't bear the alternative.

"Bing, you've expressed doubts about your relationship with Jane," Darcy began soberly. "You've feared that she wasn't as invested as you were. I'm afraid that your fears are well-founded."

Something twisted unpleasantly in Bing's stomach. "What do you mean?"

"Jane is not the devoted, adoring girl you thought she was," Caroline said, reaching out and squeezing Bing's hand.

He didn't even know how to respond to that. What could they possibly be talking about?

"Before today, I had already observed Jane responding favorably to other men's advances when you weren't with her," Darcy went on, "I had seen smiles, laughter, other flirtatious gestures. But I wished to give her the benefit of the doubt, acknowledging that I could be misinterpreting things somehow."

"Honestly, Darcy," Caroline said, "sometimes you can be just as naïve as Bing."

Darcy's mouth twisted in a subtle, sardonic smile. "I assure you I am as cynical at heart as I ever was."

"Now, wait a minute," Bing broke in. "This doesn't make any sense. Jane wouldn't flirt with other guys. I mean, we never exactly sat down and agreed to be exclusive, but she wouldn't – she's just not like that. I know her."

"You've known her less than five months," Caroline said, "and you're a wealthy, attractive man on track to begin a prestigious medical practice. Many women would happily play the part of adoring girlfriend to snag a prize like that."

"Not Jane."

"No?" She glanced at Darcy significantly.

Darcy cleared his throat. "Bing. Today, at your party, I saw Jane engaged with another man. They were kissing."

Bing sat there numbly, unable to find words. Some kind of haze seemed to have overtaken his mind. Jane. Kissing someone else. No. Darcy must have been confused. But how would you imagine kissing where it wasn't actually happening? Jane. He'd kissed her hand, her cheek, her forehead, but they hadn't shared any real kisses yet. He respected the fact that she was the kind of girl who liked to take it slow when it came to physical affection. At least he thought she was. No, she was. Wasn't she?

"It must be a mistake," he finally said, because he had to protest, had to deny it. "She wouldn't – she wouldn't. Maybe it was one-sided."

"I'm sorry." Darcy shook his head. "It was reciprocal. She didn't protest or try to push him away. Bing, she was smiling."

That word, that final word, was the one that broke him. _Smiling._

He stood up, talking without really knowing what he was saying. "I have to go. I have to – I'm going to sleep." Maybe he'd wake up and find it was all just a nightmare. Maybe he'd sleep for a year and everything would be better then, somehow. He had never felt such a desperate need to run, to get away from Darcy and Caroline's sad, serious faces, from reality, from everything.

"Bing," Caroline said, getting up and touching his arm. He shook it off, dazedly.

"I'm going to sleep," he fumbled out again.

Nothing was better in the morning.

Darcy and Caroline were still there, insisting that he talk about it. And there was his phone, telling him he had several texts from Jane. Jane, as sweet and innocent as ever. She was saying she might stop by his place sometime that day. He wanted so much to reply, to pretend everything was normal and fine. Instead he sat down at the breakfast table, poured himself a cup of coffee and asked his sister and Darcy, "What am I going to do?"

Darcy frowned. "I should think that would be obvious."

"Let's just pretend it's not," Bing said with uncharacteristic sarcasm.

"Very well. You need to talk to Jane. Explain that you've learned of her indiscretions, and that you cannot continue this relationship unless you can agree upon certain parameters –"

"No. No way am I confronting her like that," Bing said, setting his cup down so hard it splattered coffee everywhere. "You make it sound like – like a business transaction. Like I should bring a team of lawyers with me, or get her to sign a contract." His breathing was starting to get frantic. "I can't do it like that! This is ugly enough as it is."

"What would you prefer to do?"

Bing buried his face in his hands, then looked up in misery. "I think I just want to get out of here."

He expected Darcy to put up a protest, to insist that he follow his advice. Instead, he nodded and said, "If that's what you wish."

"We can leave today," Caroline said, offering a solicitous smile. "Anything to protect my brother from more pain."

They were very kind to him all day and the next while they packed up, flew to LA and left the summer behind. A part of him wished they had been cruel and let him go on thinking Jane was everything she pretended to be.


	2. Seeing Someone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured that Bing explained his thought process about quitting med school well enough in episode 92, so this deals with the aftermath.

Bing couldn't say that he was happy on the day he left med school behind forever, but he felt – right. Like he'd been sleeping for months and was finally awake again.

He wasn't sure when he was going to start telling people. It was surprisingly easy to keep it a secret. He was keeping busy with volunteer work, so no one asked why he suddenly had a lot of time on his hands, and all his family and friends were pretty busy people themselves. When he came to visit at Pemberley Digital, Darcy didn't even suspect.

Of course, Darcy had a pretty big distraction at the time.

When Darcy told him that Lizzie was at his company, Bing could tell something was going on between them. But he also noticed the hint of apology in Darcy's voice. Neither one had mentioned the Bennet family in all the months since they left Netherfield. Some things didn't need to be spoken. Darcy must have noticed Bing hadn't been his usual cheerful self; he had to know that losing Jane had hit Bing harder than all the other broken relationships Darcy had helped him through.

And for the first time, Bing didn't ask Darcy's advice about it – whether he should pop in and say hi to Lizzie, whether it would be too awkward after everything that happened with her sister. And Darcy didn't offer any. Bing had to make up his own mind. He was starting to get used to it, and it was kind of a good feeling.

But maybe he'd wait a bit before telling Darcy about med school. He wasn't quite ready for that yet.

Wandering the hallways of Pemberley, Bing debated with himself about whether to drop in on Lizzie or not. He knew that seeing her would stir up memories of Jane. He didn't know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. He also didn't know what Lizzie thought of him; how much she knew of Jane's behavior and how much she blamed Bing for it.

Truth was, after all these months he was starting to think a lot of the blame was on him after all. He'd never gotten the courage to have a serious talk with Jane about what their relationship was and where it was headed. It was so much more fun to talk about everything else, to enjoy her smiles and the melodic sound of her voice. If he'd never asserted himself and said he wanted to be exclusive, how could he assume she felt the same?

His thoughts were starting to go into bewildering circles. He'd never arrive at a decision this way. Never mind all his messed-up stuff with Jane. He liked Lizzie for her own sake, and it would be downright rude to ignore her while she was here.

As rude as ignoring all those texts that Jane sent him after he left for LA? It had seemed better not to reply, rather than answering her with demands about what had happened at his party, but maybe there had been a third option he hadn't thought of. He frowned, lost in regrets again, but forced a smile back on his face just before coming to Lizzie's office.

She was clearly stunned to see him here, and not the happy kind of stunned. What exactly did she think had happened between him and Jane? He couldn't ask directly; that would lead to a confrontation. He hated the thought of confronting Lizzie almost as much as the thought of confronting Jane.

Maybe he was just being a coward. That was probably what Caroline would say. Or maybe not. She hadn't said a word of criticism when he fled Netherfield, tail between his legs, too scared to face the matter at hand. He couldn't guess why. Maybe it was time to just stop wondering what other people thought – even his own sister – and move on with his own choices. Wasn't that why he'd quit med school?

So the next time he was alone with Lizzie, he took a deep breath and plunged in. No more avoiding the truth, no matter how unpleasant. He asked about Jane.

Lizzie was evasive, but at least she didn't start yelling at him. Jane wasn't seeing anyone; that much slipped out in spite of Lizzie's caution. He didn't know what to think of that. How did you even define _seeing someone_? He'd done a lousy job of defining their relationship to begin with. One way or another, that bridge had been burned. Not really any way to rebuild it that he could see. But at least he was facing that reality head on now. He asked Lizzie to pass a simple message onto Jane. Her response surprised him.

"If you have something to say to Jane, call her."

Tell her himself? It was too late for that now. Whatever had happened at his party and during the aftermath, Jane couldn't possibly want anything to do with him. Or was this just some new brand of cowardice? He looked up moodily, and his eyes fell on the ever-present camera.

There was something else he had been hiding from. Avoiding any thoughts that probed too deeply in that direction, because there couldn't be anything pleasant there. He knew it without knowing it. So it was hardly a question when he said, "Are these all really letters to Charlotte?"

And Lizzie didn't have to answer. Her silence said enough.


	3. Confrontation

Basically, he watched every video with Jane in it.

It was too bad that he'd had enough med school training to know that your body's reflexes prevented you from punching yourself in the face.

He was ashamed, depressed, sickened – all the feelings he feared would come if he dared to confront those ugly realities, all the things he wanted to avoid and _had_ been avoiding for months. He was miserable. But he didn't regret doing it. It was better than the alternative.

Obviously, Darcy and Caroline had been wrong about Jane, about the night at the bar and the kiss at the party. He didn't know what had really happened or why his friend and sister had been so convinced that Jane was cheating on him, but it didn't matter. They were wrong. And he never dared to question it. Not from some admirable reason like trusting his family and friends, but from the shameful wish to avoid confronting something unpleasant. And look what it had done to Jane. Look what _he_ had done.

It was hard to settle on what he was feeling after he watched the video called "New Jane." On the one hand, he was really glad that she was starting to recover from how horribly he'd treated her, that she could move on with her life and find happiness again. On the other hand...she would never, never take him back. Thinking of him, even of something innocent like snickerdoodles, made her falter and frown.

It was like Darcy said later on in the Pemberley videos. Coming back into Jane's life now would just cause her more pain.

Once he'd gotten through all the old ones, Bing kept watching the new videos. For one thing, he was really worried about their family after that horrible thing George Wickham did to Lydia. But if he was honest with himself, he was holding onto the only remaining connection he had to Jane. After the way he'd screwed up, there was nothing left but this.

So he thought, until Lizzie mentioned him to Jane in one of her videos.

She wasn't happy, obviously. But she also seemed – confused. Like she had no idea what to think. And Bing found himself remembering something Lizzie had said in that video when she encouraged Jane to LA – something about getting closure. Jane had never gotten it.

Somehow he restrained himself from pulling up the travel app on his phone right away. Before he leapt forward and bought a plane ticket for the very next day, he needed to figure out just what he was doing. If he was going to do this, it had to be for the right reasons. Not for himself, much as he wanted it. For Jane's sake. For closure.

He rehearsed speeches in his head, the apologies he needed to make without any conditions or expectations. He wasn't sure how Jane would respond. Lots of girls would slam the door in his face without another word. Others might start crying, or shouting at him. And it was within her right to do any of those things. Having acknowledged that, he wasn't quite so eager to buy that ticket. This was the confrontation he'd been avoiding since September. It didn't matter that the blame was on his side, not Jane's as he had once stupidly assumed. It would be uncomfortable, miserable for both of them….easier to just turn away and hide again.

Not this time. Jane deserved better.

As it turned out, there weren't any tickets available for the very next day, but two days later was just fine. More time to prepare himself. Time to debate whether or not to bring a gift, whether she would see it as a peace offering or just some kind of tasteless bribe. Time to decide, at the last minute, to bring a bag of snickerdoodles.

He was relieved that Mr. Bennet answered the door, and that he talked to Lizzie first. As hard as that conversation was, it felt easy compared to what must be coming with Jane.

Then she didn't want to see him at all. That was her right. It seemed incredibly obvious, now that he thought of it, that he should have called her first. But then, the confrontation would have come out over the phone, and he never would have been able to see her. So this visit had a selfish motive anyway, didn't it?

Oh, she was coming down after all.

Bing had spent months thinking of her, regretting everything, imagining how things would be different if he were still with her – but his imagination had somehow left out the sheer electricity of her presence, the incredible power beneath her quiet grace, the way her soft gaze turned his heartbeat into a wild gallop. He stood there in a daze, and all the planned speeches fled his mind, leaving him mute.

He didn't even register that Lizzie had left until Jane said, "Should we sit?"

"Oh," he said. "Uh, yeah."

Compared to most other people, Jane's behavior was polite and pleasant. Compared to her old self, though, she was positively cold. He hadn't missed the fact that she had returned his _It's good to see you_ with a mere _Hello_.

Once they sat down, Bing managed to remember enough of his rehearsed words to say, "I'm just here to apologize. That's all."

"I appreciate it."

What else was there to say? "I shouldn't have left like that, without saying a word to you. I was a coward. I wasn't thinking of how it would affect you, and that was wrong. So wrong." He felt like every word was wrenched out of him, like he was pulling his own teeth out. And Jane just kept looking down. "Well…I guess I should go. I don't want to bother you any longer."

"Wait." She faced him, finally, with a face so serious he didn't know what to think. "Bing." She took a deep breath. "A lot has changed over the last few months. I've changed."

"I have too," he said quietly. And with a twinge he realized that Jane was the one person he would want to confide in about quitting med school, the one he wouldn't be afraid to tell. If only.

"We can't pick things up from where we left off." She was twisting her hands in her lap, her face so intent he found himself mesmerized. "But maybe we could try – being friends."

"I'd like that," he said immediately. Friends, when he'd been afraid she would want him out of her life forever? Yes, he'd take that. "I'll – I'll be in town for a little while, if you'd like to meet up sometimes." He hadn't planned his trip beyond this meeting, hadn't even bought a return ticket yet, but he'd adjust every plan in his life for this. Already had, in fact.

"That would be nice." She met his eyes again. "We can try a fresh start."

In spite of himself he was searching her eyes for the promise of something more, something beyond friendship, somewhere that this fresh start could eventually lead with time and patience and by avoiding past mistakes….but he stopped searching, forced a friendly, ordinary smile, and said, "That's great. Thank you, Jane."

He was positively weak-kneed by the time he said goodbye and left. That was _hard_. In med school he had dissected cadavers and examined photos of gruesome cancerous growths, seen any number of horrifying, stomach-turning things. All of that had been difficult, of course, but somehow this topped them all. And he had made it through. Not completely happy, but satisfied that he'd finally done something right by Jane.


	4. Nice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now a few words from Jane. Thanks for reading!

After his first two weeks in New York with Jane, Bing had decided a few things. First, he was way luckier than he deserved. Second, whatever part of his happiness wasn't due to luck, it had definitely come about since he'd decided to stop running away from unpleasant things. Telling Jane he wanted to come to New York too was an enormous risk. If she'd said no – well, she did, actually. And before she changed her mind, it was awful. It would have ended everything. But he was ready to take that risk and respect her wishes, whatever they might be. He was done being a coward.

Even so, he was pretty of scared when Jane turned to him and said, "I'm ready to tell you what happened at your party."

He looked at her nervously. They had just put the last batch of cookies in the oven, and he was looking forward to a quiet evening of watching television together. Instead, he swallowed his fear and gently wiped the flour from her cheeks. "Okay. Should we sit?"

"That's a good idea." Hand in hand, they went to the sofa and settled down. It was a ratty, ancient piece of furniture with the stuffing coming out of the cushions, but surprisingly comfortable, even when it was coated with fur from Jane's roommate's cat. Good thing Bing wasn't allergic.

Jane smoothed out her skirt and cleared her throat. He realized she was as nervous as he was. Which made her all the braver. "I don't think Caroline's plans were quite as elaborate as Lizzie assumed. She just encouraged me to socialize with your college friends. I was disappointed that I wasn't with you instead, but I didn't want to complain or seem – ungracious, I guess. After a while, some of the guys started getting pretty drunk. I felt uncomfortable, but again – I didn't want to complain." She sighed. "Eventually, it was clear that one of them had trouble respecting boundaries when he had too much to drink."

Bing frowned, wondering if he could guess which one of his college buddies she was referring to. Better not to interrupt her story; this was hard enough for her.

Eventually, though, he needed to know who the jerk was and not invite him to any more of his parties.

"So…I tried to smile and laugh politely and just keep a safe distance from him. I stuck close to Caroline, figuring he wouldn't do anything really inappropriate if she was there. She has – more of a forceful presence."

Bing nodded, still frowning.

"And it seemed to work. He would put his hand on my shoulder or my knee sometimes, but I would just pull back without making it into a big issue." She shook her head. "I don't blame myself, even if I was wrong to be passive about it. Girls are supposed to be nice. That's what we're taught. Be lady-like. Don't make a big fuss over things. And since my sisters were more – unconventional in that regard," she smiled fondly, "I felt that much more pressure to be nice."

He squeezed her hand, loving her goodness while still seeing the problems it caused her.

"After a bit I excused myself to use the restroom. When I came out, he was waiting in the hallway. It was a more narrow space; I couldn't really escape without just running, which seemed very rude." She shuddered, closing her eyes. "He kissed me. I was shocked, embarrassed. At first I just kind of went stiff and still, like my muscles had forgotten how to work. I wanted to cry, but I held it in. Instead I did what I always do when I'm embarrassed. I smiled and laughed. I think I whispered something like, 'Please don't do that again. I'm seeing Bing. Your friend. You know that.' But he just grinned and stumbled back down the hallway. I can only imagine how it must have looked to someone from a distance. To Darcy."

She took a deep breath and went on, "I guess Caroline must have realized what was about to happen, and used it as an opportunity to show Darcy that I wasn't taking my relationship with you seriously. Maybe she genuinely believed that. Maybe she thought that if I were really devoted to you, I would have been more assertive about pushing other guys away."

"And maybe you're giving her too much credit," Bing said darkly. "Look, Jane, she's my sister and I love her, but she knew what was really going on. She thought you weren't good for me – for entirely different reasons – and she thought those reasons justified doing anything necessary to get me away from you. I can see the good motives she had underneath it all, but I wouldn't blame you if you don't want anything to do with her."

"No," Jane said simply. "I don't like holding grudges. It hurts me more than it hurts anyone else."

He looked at her, his heart swelling. A swelling heart. It was just an expression, and medically impossible, but he really felt as if his chest might burst from the warm feelings Jane inspired. "I'm so sorry that happened to you," he said softly. "It must have been awful."

"It was," she said, "but it's taught me a lot. I didn't tell anyone about it because I didn't want to bother anybody. I didn't want to ruin your party." She let out a mirthless laugh. "It seems ironic now, doesn't it? But I told myself, _Oh, it was just a little unpleasantness, no big deal; he'd had too much to drink, that's all, and these things happen. Don't want anyone to think that I'm overreacting._ Now I know better." She turned red. "I'm sorry. I'm starting to feel like I'm preaching or bragging or something."

"Don't apologize," Bing said, waving his hand with a grin. "Brag away."

"Okay," she said with a giggle. "So. I know the difference between being nice and being a victim. I can be kind to others while quietly, calmly asserting that I expect them to be kind to me in return. That I have needs and boundaries, and there's nothing selfish about wanting those needs and boundaries to be respected."

"You're amazing," Bing said. "I just –" He shrugged, grinning. "I don't even have words for it. That's such a huge thing."

"Well, I think you know what I'm talking about," Jane said, returning the smile. "The difference between being good to people and not having a backbone."

"Yeah. Definitely." He put his arm around her. "And now look at the two of use. Making our way in the big city, with plenty of backbone to spare."

A buzz sounded from the kitchen. "Oh! The cookies are ready," Jane said.

He grinned. "Perfect timing." And they shared a kiss before getting up to go to the kitchen together.


End file.
